Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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