She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Your cock deserves a montage
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
