Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize