He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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