actually, I'm a sock model
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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