It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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