i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
