We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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