i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
