I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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