so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
