just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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