I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
