Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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