too bad you live with your parents still
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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