ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
