4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
