Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
