im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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