My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
