Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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