wake up i wanna do it froggy style
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
