I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
