I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize