Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
are you so shy because you have an std?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
