My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
