it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize