We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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