$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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