96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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