May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My vagina is officially offended.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
