tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
