Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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