you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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