Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
