The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
