I'm eating all of the evidence.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
