i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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