her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
