he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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