My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
