He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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