I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
