You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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