So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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