He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
