I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
