I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
