Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
