Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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