two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
