you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
