apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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