i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
