can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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