So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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