You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
